Fustration
I’ve just spent this Christmas Evening trying to do more Advent of Code, as apart of a promise I made to myself that I would try to use this opportunity to learn a new language and to do some algorithmic puzzle solving. Welp the language I’ve chosen to learn is Go, and really I don’t have any major complaints with the language itself - to be fair at this point I’ve only touched a very small surface area of the language and it’s potential applications. I am fustrated with myself though, an eternal fustration that I recognize I can neither fully reveal to others because truly who wants to hear other complain about themselves and a fustration that I can not just simply ignore.
It’s from a number of factors, mostly attributable to regret of the past. That aethereal rumination of “what if?”. “What if I had I hadn’t dropped out of school?” all those years ago. In my present moment I’m blaming my current position on the decisions and inexperience of my younger self. I can regrettfully reflect and ackowledge that I wasn’t as mature as I am now, and that when presented with a challenge I quickly folded. I caved to the, what I perceived at the time - but now I would see as simply necessary, insurmountable pressure of college and navigating university.
I feel fustration that I didn’t just stick with it and endure like so many others. I ask myself what all those other who graduated on time knew that I didn’t? Did they have role models to call upon? Did they have a more rigorous highschool education? Were they just more mature?